Mr. Jones’ Malicious Crime

Old Mr. Jones put down the kickstand on his bike in front of his bookstore at seven o’clock, as he had done every day since opening the store some thirty years before. On that beautiful morning, as always, Mr. Jones chained his bicycle to a tree next to the store. This “crime” was witnessed by a law-abiding animal and plant rights activist, and in no more than three minutes, two police cars pulled up to investigate. Mr. Jones was peacefully repairing some book covers when he noticed them examining his tree. “They must be after those two fellows who tried to rob me last night,” he said to himself. Suddenly, the two police officers burst into the store with hands on their pistols. Mr. Jones felt the cold handcuffs slip around his wrists, and heard one of the officers say: “I arrest you in the name of the law.” Puzzled, he asked why. “You will find out,” they said. Soon, Mr. Jones was in the back of a police car, racing to the police station. Upon arrival, he was informed that he had to appear at his trial in a week. His crime? He had chained his bicycle to a tree.

A week later, he was found guilty of trying to strangle a tree and was sentenced to pay a one thousand-dollar fine. Poor Mr. Jones! He still did not understand what crime he had committed, nor how he was going to pay the fine, so he made a plea to the judge. The judge withdrew from the courtroom, saying that he was going to consider the plea. Five minutes later, he returned to pronounce his decision. Clearing his throat, he began: “The accused must understand that he committed a serious offense against the law, and that his fate is therefore up to the law. However, being merciful as well as just, the law allows the accused to be dispensed from the fine if the accused hugs the offended, tells it that he is sorry for trying to choke it, and cares for it every day.” After shaking the judge’s hand with relief, Mr. Jones went to his shop and fulfilled his sentence, careful not to break any of the precious sprouts that grew from the offended tree’s trunk.

Paul Slobodnik
School year 1997-’98

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Note: This improbable story is based on an actual news account.